We have spent seven days sick in our house. Seven live-long days! And still the raunch rages on for Mr. Mom. Nevertheless, it’s New Years Eve, and a few things are going down…
First, my Colorado siblings and I will be gathering at my brother’s house in a little while. Graciously, he came and took my children to play with their cousins a few hours ago, and I got to sit quietly for a bit, and even take a full-on peaceful shower. I haven’t wanted to try and clean up for the world of the living before now, but despite my ick, it seemed like maybe a good shave and some soap could make things better.
Then I proceeded to don some jeans and a button-up until I realized, half way dressed, that I simply didn’t want to. My family of origin doesn’t do New Years Eve celebrations. Like, ever. When Heather and I were first together down in the home where I grew up, we watched the clock turn to midnight on the TV guide channel, and my brother-in-law brought us some warm Martinelli’s cider in small paper bathroom Dixie cups. For awhile, it was a joke for Heather about the crazy way that New Years Eve got celebrated and rung in that year – until she learned that it was representative of every December 31st. We’ve tried to turn it around a few times, but to no avail! If I was going to postulate a scientific theory, I’d have to say it’s most likely that Christmas does such a good job of having it’s way with me, that there’s nothing left to give up to New Years. Nothing at all.
So our family getting together is a good effort; as good as we’re gonna do. And, it’s actually almost like we’re against the ball-dropping time, because whereas I’m up until midnight almost every night of the year, I practically work to go to bed early on New Year’s Eve. The very first change of year after Heather died felt so painfully difficult, that’s exactly what I did, and I’ve stayed the same since.
Hence, I took off my jeans, threw on some sweats and crocs (or crick-crocks as Kai calls them), and I’ll head over soon to sit on a couch for awhile. It’s how we do.
Plus, there’s nobody to kiss at midnight anyway. So staying up is just dumb.
And, as previously mentioned in a post, I really don’t like doing big New Year resolutions. Everybody just breaks them anyway. Plus, I think that we all have a few or more things in life that we can’t stand doing just because, for whatever conglomeration of reasons, it bugs us that EVERYbody else does them. It’s like the anarchist hipster within, or the trying-to-be-cool-by-hating-what’s-cool adolescent inside of us. I don’t like making resolutions because everybody else is doing it, and therefore I find it crassly annoying!
Except I’m about to kind of make some, so I’ll just put on my Fedora with a feather that has “Hipster Hypocrite” embroidered on the outside.
Because. Because I want to. So there. And also because I’ve been sick non-stop for seven days and ongoing, and I never get super sick for a too-long period without becoming internally convinced that I’m not beating the illness because of some psychological distress that is keeping me unhealthy. As such, I begin to dissect my recent past and find where I should be doing better – what this sickness is trying to tell me.
Side note: Let us pause for a moment to acknowledge that believing a “sickness” is trying to ‘tell’ me something is, in fact, a possibly verifiable sickness in itself. But so what, I’m still blowing my nose, coughing up a lung, swimming around in a head fog, and feeling generally like crap; just roll your eyes and stop reading, or GO with it, OK?!
Back to the resolutions…
It’s not so much that I have specific goals at this point, as that I have areas where general improvement are needed, and I figure that a purposeful focus upon those areas can help me hone down little things I really need to particularly do. Like this – area number uno that must be addressed (i.e. general resolution number one)…
Stop living such a half-assed life.
Or, for the enthusiasts of positively worded considerations for the future, start living a whole-assed life! (Me and the voices in my head all hope you got a chuckle out of that).
This is not to imply that I need to add more things or do more activities. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s going to mean less. Rather, it’s just that I worked very very hard this year to honor myself, my dear Heather, my children, and the love that exists between all of us by doing a few rather key things. I came out as gay. I left the Mormon church and the life of perpetual abuse that it was to me. I began a new career path. With all of these, I announced the truths and realities in writing, and in spoken word in several places. It was terrifying, but I have never once – not even for a second – doubted that I had Heather’s full and complete blessing and endorsement. But I also knew I didn’t have her, so I had to do it all on my own. But I did it; every single one of those choices was the best choice, the right choice, and I’m proud of moving my life forward as my life, despite what I knew would be reactions from people whose opinions oddly held some inexplicable sway over my existence.
But then I pulled back. Mentally and spiritually I pulled back. I will never be a front-line fighter for causes, per se’, nor a heated debater. It is my impression that because my immediate family are so generally passive (including passive aggressive), that I’m generally perceived as a strong-willed bull in a china shop. But to the rest of the world, I’m tame and quiet. And I’m pretty sure I always will be. But that didn’t mean I had to pull back from my new life; I did anyway.
Therefore, I’ll resolve to live 2013 less half-assed. I’m gay. There’s nothing wrong with it; but it does mean I’m gons ta date some men. I’m as beautiful and creative and down-to-earth as I’ve always always been, but I’m not going to be tolerated anymore. I think that really means I stop talking to or interacting with people who cannot find a way to value me more than tolerance. There are roughly seven billion people on this earth! With cell phones in virtually every hand, and an internet walking around in almost every pocket, I cannot for the life of me conceive of why ANY of us should live with being tolerated instead of adored.
Habitually, I hand out passes on bad behavior like I’m throwing candy from a float. I have begged my parents, for example, to love me as I am for literally all my life. I plead for acceptance and set up chance after chance for them to prove in some small way that speaks to me, that I matter; not that I WILL matter when I finally do what I’m supposed to for long enough, but just as I am. I’ve done it with siblings, with friends, and with tons and tons of associations who should logically mean no more to me than strangers passing on the street.
So why do I, or ANY of us, give passes out to these people? Free get-out-of-jail cards in the hope that this time they’ll treat us any differently than they always always have?!
Let me be clear – I’m not trying to imply a world full of people who are terrible. People are good. But they evolve and learn in their own time and way, I believe. And for some reason, I have hinged my own growth and happiness onto a timeclock where I can’t have my own life until particular others are all ready to be with me where I’m at.
Enough of that. Let others grow in their own lives at their own rate. Let me not consider them nor me any better or worse, but rather just acknowledge how completely it tears my muscles to corral myself waiting for others to change the way I want them to. Let me be content to walk with those who are close-by on my journey, and call them my family.
Anyway, there you have it… overarching resolution #1: live a whole-ass life. Own my own life and stop hiding it, apologizing for it, or allowing residual care about other’s opinions to make me not want my life. Because that’s exactly the problem – letting others personal ideas have an effect on my life means I often don’t want it. Do you hear that? I actually let the disappointment or disapproval of other human beings – who are no smarter or better than I – cause me to not want to be living my own life.
I think it’s a good idea to resolve to want to live my own life, don’t you? For the good soul that I am, I have wanted to cease existing FAR too often.
And of course I don’t mean to stop caring or being aware of what other human beings think altogether. That’s ludicrous and the mark of a psychopath or narcissist. I have no problems being swayed positively and even critically by the loving and good observations of others – it’s an important part of connection and growth together. But I’ve seen enough of life and I’m old enough to know well the difference between being loved no matter what while having room to grow, and being criticized because I don’t please someone’s idea of how I should be.
Also, the narcissist thing – there are a couple of those who exist remotely in my life, who are going to be eliminated as much as possible. They are smelly, toxic, and disgusting. That’s like, resolution number 10, but hey, it came up so I mentioned it.
I’m forming some resolutions about spirituality, dating, work habits, eliminating some responsibilities, and adopting just a little more love for who I am all the time.
But I’ll talk more about those a little later. (Apparently, I can’t just do resolutions partially, I have to do them in gusto if I’m going to deign to do them!) For now, though, it’s all going to be governed by this one notion – own my whole life. And in the very right now moment, that means posting this, and then moving MY half-sick sweats-clad striving-to-be-whole ass over to my brother’s couch. It’s just what I need. 2012 was brilliant and full of blessings and flat out fucking hard as hell. There is no other way to say it correctly. I’m thankful for it, I’m proud of it, and good riddance!
May you all be safe and well tonight.